My Cryptic Friend

Forget perfect

I'm just trying not to be worthless

Abstaining from pain

Awakening to God's purpose

From underneath life's curses

Before the inevitable

Closing of curtains

Trapping me with myself

Leaving me swimming in guilt

Drowning in choice

Because you never felt

The way that I did

The things that I said

Fell on emotional ear muffs

When life was tough

You ran and hid

Behind self righteous

Indignant blaming

Because life was never enough

Too much of the same thing

Burning in monotony

I take back what you stole from me

These thoughts of you wont let me be

my heart's apart from misery

It's not the devil that keeps me from free

Just these little things trapped inside of me

Until I can rise above the fall

And learn to just forget it all

unable to run but still I crawl

In the general direction of nowhere

In the general direction of anywhere

Of anywhere but here

Of any place not ruled by fear

So I can feel myself feeling again

To welcome back my cryptic friend

And never let it go again

Ever .

I Won't Do

Trust in nothing other than the formless
Accept that I am Disappointing to myself
Accept that I may never live up to the image I have of me
Accept that my thoughts keep me a slave to reality
Accept that my emotions are shackles that will never let me free
Accept that my only escape may be within my own nightmares
Scaring me into believing that I live
When its all such a hollow illusion
It's all such an elaborate lie
Living a slave then dying as one
I wasted so much time
Trying to be aware of my own consciousness
Discovery leaving me wholly unsatisfied
Even my only hope of something more
Seems like a far fetched dream
Because why would death be any different?
Than the life I've wasted so far?
The only thing that’s left to do
Is try and impart this precious lie
To those that come after me
And hope that they believe it
Hope they never realize
That God does exist
He just doesn't care
How can I explain to them
That the devil is here as well
Living within all of us
Creating our personal hell
The only redemption I see
Is the one thing I'll never do
Learn to forgive myself
Before my time is through
My ever present sun sated madness
My porcelain face plastered with laughless
Staring through black holed nothing
Refusing to see what the unnatural bring
Soul locked tight I wont allow it to sing
Another bright heart swelling ballad
Turns to tear jerking night time cries
Fed up with everyone's' smiling liesBecause even a porcelain mask can dieWhen faced with changing cloudless skies
Chain me behind the sun rise
So I will never see those eyes
Dark like me
Won’t leave me be
Soon you'll see
My soul set free
Leaving all
To take the fall
And I'm scared
Because when you look into the abyss
It shifts its sight to look back at you
Then right through you
Making you cold
And erasing the fated
The predestined end
Comes so belated
Testing all of my patience
As I look for one last great adventure
One last test
Before I become
Deaths tenure...

Death Is Boring

All this talk of death is boring
now I think the reapers snoring
leaving life oh so boring
but I find my delight in knowing
the answers will be coming soon,
in my heart I find no room,
for your misjudged perception of me.
I have no time to bleed as I must keep going,
no time to see what your heart is showing
as I am sure this life I lead is
Slowing….
Slowing…
Slowing..
my heart pounds softer but my smile grows long
understanding that I've done nothing wrong…
to deserve to feel this way…
I've punished myself for long enough
and have been waiting for this day…
to find some version of closure
in the midst of your absence
when I've seen nothing of you since….
I lied and smiled…
said I'd see you after awhile…
knowing that my inner child…
just looked at death
and held its breath
long enough to follow
the memory of you….