Pull String Clown

Once upon a time I felt
A seething hatred dressed in silk
I spent too much time dreaming
night time quakes images seething
Frozen memories trapped within insanity
Raw nightmares naked with no vanity
Taunting fellow dreamers haunts
Leaving only the dead to question
Consciousness with a poor connection

Winking away pain
Only to resurface
With better clarity
A charity held
For my good dreams
Barely enough
To fill one cup
Runeth over on rugs
Staining the floor
With bright red blood
An ocean a flood
Solidifying my reality in mud
And tear drops dropping
There's no stopping
the thoughts when they come
just the sadistic quick
emotionally equipped
to strip
all of my life away

What can I say?
Spoken words can't keep
Demonic thoughts at bay
I want to run away
But sooner or later
My head will have to lay
Eyes sewn shut
By visual men of sand
Sprinkling bad memories
Erasing the conscious "I am"

Dark Lullabies tempting
Silky sirens unrelenting

"The whispers come louder
when my thoughts are hazy
the taunts and the laughter
when they say I'm crazy...
I collapsed on the path

...the road to no where's fading...

I manifested these thoughts
that came to enslave me"

AHHHH

Bouncing off walls with black paint
With quaint little hieroglyphs
Shifting and bending
Contorting into unfriendly images
No 666 its just different
Than minds sickened
by nightmare conditions
Drifting off to insanity quick
Like...
super-kala-fraga-lis-tic
its sick
This shits ridiculous
Murdering draw string clown
Coming conspicuous
I'm the opposite I frown
Pulling my draw string around
My own neck
And the sound
my body hits the ground
Pulling on my draw string
and laughs go all around

HAHAHAHA

Humiliated suicide
Goes far beyond the tears I cried
And my burned out existence ignites the flames
Consuming my humanity with all of my rage
Looking back with ashy sight
I realize my day is fading to night
The sunshine never seems to be enough
To dry the glue around my heart
And as the chilly night corrupts
My image of you falls completely apart
As the darkness fills the void
From a hand me down heart destroyed
I look upon the night time sky
Hearing the whispers that come with a sigh...

"The whispers come louder
when my thoughts are hazy
the taunts and the laughter
when they say I'm crazy..."

No sand bags as thoughts flood...

No sand bags, as thoughts flood… grasping futilely at the inconsistency of dark waters, the anger and the sorrow, from long dead fathers, and the rot… within the embankments, I’m caught, drowning in between a life raft and a yacht…

In this land there are no sand bags just water you can’t drink a thirst that came first and madness on the brink of washing away all the sanity left within me…

My thoughts flow like blood from veins red with rage with no one around when the flood waters came they made for higher ground and how profound that the flood waters came to destroy YOUR little town… no sand bags for thought but my logic is sound… you fair weathered bitches I hope all of you drown!

Thoughts pool around the cracks in my heart freezing on contact and breaking apart wash away the heartache the pain and the grief a relief from my minds rain pouring with sadness over a life lived in madness…

As my thoughts come pouring out and away with no bags to stop them I’ll simply say… good bye to smiles, goodbye to cries, good bye to sanity, and goodbye to goodbyes… I can’t live in a broken heart and my minds too slippery to hold… I’ll simply exist… in empty darkness… cold.

Hearts at half mast

I warm myself by the fires of my burning rage
finding comfort that I can still feel the hot flames
scorching my inner being…

better rage than empty believing…
even though I'm blind to the darkness
beyond my inner circle of illumination
I can still imagine the demons that lurk
pulling my strings from beyond my limited sight…
an inner being of emptiness
deeper than blackened night.
But still I try…

painting smiles and staying awhile
while the darkness and unknown call my name…
I'm still the same
ever changing from the day you met me
until the day you left me…

I'm still hiding behind my face turned up
with a mind burnt up
and a heart torn up
I'm sorry I was born not meaning to interrupt
just fallible and corrupt
a being of ignorance from a universe thrown up
but now that I'm grown up

I'm constantly dumb founded
mind boggled and surrounded
by hatred unfounded
with your egos this worlds just too crowded..

not meaning to be mean
but its all that I see
when I look in the mirror
the lines on my face coming clearer
from fear that your…

going to need some relief
from the leaf don’t you see?
That your memory of me
is all there will be
when I walk on egg shells so fucking precariously…

trusting so dangerously
when I can scarcely be
imagining things
when you're dragging your feet
On the road, on the street

Emotional scaring made by road rash
Playing catch up on life's path
Ignoring those around you
And moving too fast…
Your pace just wont last…
You'll end it with a blast
Gambling with the die that God cast
We are all beings of ignorance
When your hearts at half mast...

Wilting...

I kill myself slowly day after day
walking through life like tomorrow is guaranteed
working and slaving for green paper greed.

My five year plan is a comedy show
where I'm the only one that laughs…
trying to find something creative
to engrave upon my epitaph.

Black walls around me and blue skies a memory
I chase feathers in the wind with my minds eye
even though I do get by I still see the lack… the void… the try…

when will it be enough for me?
Black walls still keep me warm
when the wind blows to hard too chase feathers…

my thoughts fall like rose petals…
dancing with the motion of the fall…
wilting when I pluck them from the ground
and crumbling between my fingers.
How quaint… how meager…
with no windows to look though
I do not need to see her…

lady light… giving me more blossoms
to wilt with my creating hands.
I wish to caress one petal of a black rose
and drop it into the still waters of my formless dreams
riding the ripples to the edges of my own wilting existence.

I Lost...

You exchanged pens for weapons
deranged writers trying to teach lessons
but your souls cry out in torment
for all the time you could have spent
trying to vent out your rage on pages
and exchange your pain for poetry's sake.

Your pens weep for you…

lying on the floor where you cast it
only to pick up metallic ignorance
with the intention to fill caskets.
Instead of blood, ink, and tears to fill pages…
you foolishly filled the hearts of poets with your hatred…
and I'm only sorry that the beauty of your ink is now faded…
Tarnished and tainted by your egoic disposition
that kept you looking at other poets as competition

and yes… your pens weep for you… bleed for you… and yes they need you too…

but in your state where anger feeds you…
the beauty of poetry will never speak to you…

Your ink will be nothing more than black marks on blank pages
like the scars you placed on the hearts
of the fellow poets you forced apart
when you threw down your pens
each of you feeding off the need to win
needing to be so much "bigger" than HIM…

Fuck it all of you win…
I'll be the loser that started all over again…
if that’s what it takes for you to pick up your pens
recognize the beauty of your own words and be friends.

Fuck it I lost…
I'd never scribe if this was the cost…

if retribution became a form of restitution
I'd label my pen as 'Hate Pollution'
my rhymes becoming prostitution
an abhorrent attack on our constitution…

I'd label my ink as 'retired'
if that's what would be required
for my pen to no longer call me a liar
to open my eyes to the hate I inspired…

I would do this…
If that was all that's required.

Gods Riddle...

I just don’t feel this world
Disconnected, disjointed, and unwhole
I just don't feel this world no more
My only connection now faded
Only my mind this pen and these pages
This sky, those people, that steeple, all unrelated
Looking down at this path, and how far I've made it
I must be the villain of my unfinished story
Living in this life of sin all I can do is worry
I guess I just need an understanding
My patience, My trust, crash landing
The government, the church, are fast handing
so all of my convictions come landing
In quick sand and she made me
Not feel this world no more
Leaving me love shy and sore
Ass hurts from the door that closed the day before
Hot tears ran freely until they froze around my heart
Walling in the sorrow keeping the pain apart
From the facade that’s become me smiling for my child
Taming the sadness, keeping grief from running wild
Throw me a line… I can't climb over the walls I built
I say that I'm fine… in truth I am drowning in pools of guilt
I'm sorry sweet heart I couldn't feel the world
Couldn't save nothing from becoming nothing
Couldn’t stop mommy from laughing
When she closed the door with you and me wondering what's happening
Death to the Christmas carol fiendish hearts living feral
Sinful living unforgiving in the eyes of little children
Hatred dripping and I'm unrelenting…
Constantly venting to silent walls that crumble
Seeing trouble as a pin prick to burst my bubble
Just when I thought is was going alright
You creep into my bedroom in the middle of the night
Laying down on the cold side of the bed and resting your head
One question you said… will mommy be alright?
I pretend I didn't hear you...
Just bury my face further into the salty sadness
Of my down comforter sinking into faulty madness
Even though this world went cold
And my words fail me…
I hope that when I hold on to you little lady
You know that God sent you to save me…
Made you pretty made you smart
Made you all the things that I'm not
You are my strength you are my grip
You are my rock when reality starts to slip
You are my savior my saintly 6 year old neighbor
Sent to this world to make me feel it a little
Sent to me as an answer to God's riddle

Is That So...

I see the flashes of light when I blink
The transition from real to dream
Screaming into fantasy I often think
How real can you make my nightmare seem?

Will you be there taunting to smile?
Will you be there just out of reach?
Will you calm me and sit for awhile?
While in the darkness the silent will teach

So I say to all that listen...
Is that so….?
Just another perverted show

So I say to all of you now...
Is that so…?
Just one more thought I never let go…

So say to me with safety please...
Is that so…?
You leave no room, perfect won't grow…

Nightmare flashes behind eye lashes
I'd take thirty lashes to resurrect the ashes
Of a blind family that constantly clashes
With a loving nature that barely passes

I'd rather sit in ignorant gratitude
Than live forever in emotional solitude
I say it clearly I say it and smile
Live up to your own potential
And remake yourself worth while…