My Cryptic Friend

Forget perfect

I'm just trying not to be worthless

Abstaining from pain

Awakening to God's purpose

From underneath life's curses

Before the inevitable

Closing of curtains

Trapping me with myself

Leaving me swimming in guilt

Drowning in choice

Because you never felt

The way that I did

The things that I said

Fell on emotional ear muffs

When life was tough

You ran and hid

Behind self righteous

Indignant blaming

Because life was never enough

Too much of the same thing

Burning in monotony

I take back what you stole from me

These thoughts of you wont let me be

my heart's apart from misery

It's not the devil that keeps me from free

Just these little things trapped inside of me

Until I can rise above the fall

And learn to just forget it all

unable to run but still I crawl

In the general direction of nowhere

In the general direction of anywhere

Of anywhere but here

Of any place not ruled by fear

So I can feel myself feeling again

To welcome back my cryptic friend

And never let it go again

Ever .

I Won't Do

Trust in nothing other than the formless
Accept that I am Disappointing to myself
Accept that I may never live up to the image I have of me
Accept that my thoughts keep me a slave to reality
Accept that my emotions are shackles that will never let me free
Accept that my only escape may be within my own nightmares
Scaring me into believing that I live
When its all such a hollow illusion
It's all such an elaborate lie
Living a slave then dying as one
I wasted so much time
Trying to be aware of my own consciousness
Discovery leaving me wholly unsatisfied
Even my only hope of something more
Seems like a far fetched dream
Because why would death be any different?
Than the life I've wasted so far?
The only thing that’s left to do
Is try and impart this precious lie
To those that come after me
And hope that they believe it
Hope they never realize
That God does exist
He just doesn't care
How can I explain to them
That the devil is here as well
Living within all of us
Creating our personal hell
The only redemption I see
Is the one thing I'll never do
Learn to forgive myself
Before my time is through
My ever present sun sated madness
My porcelain face plastered with laughless
Staring through black holed nothing
Refusing to see what the unnatural bring
Soul locked tight I wont allow it to sing
Another bright heart swelling ballad
Turns to tear jerking night time cries
Fed up with everyone's' smiling liesBecause even a porcelain mask can dieWhen faced with changing cloudless skies
Chain me behind the sun rise
So I will never see those eyes
Dark like me
Won’t leave me be
Soon you'll see
My soul set free
Leaving all
To take the fall
And I'm scared
Because when you look into the abyss
It shifts its sight to look back at you
Then right through you
Making you cold
And erasing the fated
The predestined end
Comes so belated
Testing all of my patience
As I look for one last great adventure
One last test
Before I become
Deaths tenure...

Death Is Boring

All this talk of death is boring
now I think the reapers snoring
leaving life oh so boring
but I find my delight in knowing
the answers will be coming soon,
in my heart I find no room,
for your misjudged perception of me.
I have no time to bleed as I must keep going,
no time to see what your heart is showing
as I am sure this life I lead is
Slowing….
Slowing…
Slowing..
my heart pounds softer but my smile grows long
understanding that I've done nothing wrong…
to deserve to feel this way…
I've punished myself for long enough
and have been waiting for this day…
to find some version of closure
in the midst of your absence
when I've seen nothing of you since….
I lied and smiled…
said I'd see you after awhile…
knowing that my inner child…
just looked at death
and held its breath
long enough to follow
the memory of you….

Poetic Vision

Amidst the bloodied fields of past

And closely knitted skies of gray

The poetic vision understood at last

Turning back upon the day

Darkness feeds upon the gloom

Leaving not a breath of room

Between the spaces of these places

The light will not be coming soon

To this chlosterphobic mind

Sightless men all laugh in kind

And all madmen delight and swoon

Disappearing epitaphs

When the sun appears at noon

No words spoken at dawns light

Fearful of returning sight

But how we sing and dance delight

Upon the moon and starry night

Returning to the ancient cradle

Without the fear of a living label

Intangible existence so unstable

With the rise of the eastern star

And darkness coming oh so far

Will we once again see light?

Or live immortal in a starless night

Getting Better

I'm getting better at this

At this cold heartedness

Getting better with stress

And all my duress

Getting better at sleeping alone again

Getting better at not sleeping

I get better at handling everything

Like a lone feather

In the wind

Blown in all directions

Floating with no resistance

To begin itself again

Better to be blown

Then pushed

Better to leave

Then rushed

Better to fall

Than trust

A firm grip on reality

A must

Can't get to caught up

In dreaming

But still I hear you

Out there screaming

But all my eyes see

is a turning back

And then you leaving

My mind is trapped

I'm not believing

My heart is crushed

With all the deceiving

I can't help but feeling…

Your absence

The loss

The remembrance

Of our dance

A life of chance

That was so surreal

No definitions

To how I feel

Now the dark

Is so unreal

Cause in my mind

I see the light

The memory

Of eyes so kind

Fading to sight

Over and over

No cover of night

Could deny that smile

If only I can remake myself…

Worth while

But I'm getting better
Accepting that we are never

And that what we had
will live forever
Timeless in a memory
sacred in those times so free

When life was still

And we could
just
be…

You got me twisted

Is a lying smile happy?

Is this freedom you speak of free?

No boundary no walls just misery…

The lie is the mask you place on your face

The memories of the past erased

Be something your not…. Fine…

But you forget that my heart is not mine

It exists somewhere far behind the present line

When the feelings

Were returned in kind

Instead of patient love that's blind

How dare you…

Think I twisted in mind

When you're there…

And I'm here

Forced to live in fear

Of your silence…

Only making a sound to defend your mask

Be honest….

Wasn't that all you asked?

Instead you chose to live a lie

And let love drift on by

And I am forced

To drown in truth….

Freedom…. HA!

More like a noose…

Live in your material kingdom

Claiming I have freedom

Was I just a fairy tale?

Just a fantasy

To briefly set your tired mind free

Only to leave the story unfinished

And donate the book to charity

To those you feel deserve it more

I've become a hand me down

Once more reminding me of my emotional poverty

Set my heart on the shelf labeled "for sale as is"

Test me God…

I failed your quiz

I know longer want to live…

In this divine experiment

Take me to nothing

Take me empty

End the pain and set me free

Of all these things I've claimed to be…

Meeting You

Meeting you

In anticipated sadness

With wandering hearts

Hearts of madness

Wandering hearts

In winters chill

Unprepared

For natures will

Traveling blindly

With no free will

Looking for shelter

A way point

Along the path

To the clearing at the end

A place of nothing

Where all wounds mend

And scars are cleared

Forgetting all we thought to fear

Gathering up every tear

Including all that we held dear

Until a time

That we begin

Starting this path

All over again